So here’s the deal:
Not exactly meeting my goals, am I? Scale weighed in at 125.something last night so at least I’m going down there, but my poor poor muscles. I can hardly flex my butt. (?!)
Work has been some masochistic medley of waking up in the morning, wanting to die and turning on the ringer on my phone and sleeping in while checking emails periodically to be fake in for like an hour or 90 minutes (true confessions of a work-at-home-r. oops.) then working forever because I needed that time and I feel guilty OR waking up in the morning, feeling super optimistic and productive that today is the day I will get back on top of things, being super productive, then realizing at 5:30pm or 6pm (technically, 7:30pm/8pm my time since I work in a different time zone) that I have like 4 hours more work to even get all the “musts” for the day done, taking a few hours off for dinner/pouting and then working until somewhere between 8pm (10pm) and 11pm (1am), usually with a few “musts” deferred until “tomorrow”… (actually 1am (3am local) on Friday, though I finally did not work the weekend). The former being pretty rare, the latter being most days and incredibly depressing.
Actually got horrible sleep the last 2 nights, and had to wake up about 7am local (5am normal work time) to go to a conference downtown, which I got home from around 8pm local and immediately picked a fight with A. This was after finally falling asleep around probably 4am local followed by work-related waking-nightmares basically where my brain tries do crazy shit like calculate (over and over, because I’m asleep, duh) when I need to send an email for it to get there before business hours in NYC but not like 3am crazy early and not so early that I risk getting a call on it when I need to head out to be at the conference center by like 8am, though I suppose I could skip the keynote and do like 9/9:30a, and the bus is supposed to take like 45 minutes but what if it gets stuck in traffic so maybe I should take the train but then its more walking…
I went out to Cali a couple weeks ago and worked the entire 4 1/2 flight home (I ♥ u Virgin America; thank you for having plugs even if your wifi didn’t work yet again) and realized that I could probably work for a normal work week’s full of 8 hour days and then be caught up on my queue.
Other than looking at Pinterest (slightly obsessing with painting and outfitting our condo), my RSS feed (really only my “Comics + Fun”, “Home Style”, “craftish” and “eBay & Shopping” folders since that’s what’s getting me off, and a passing glance to “Health & Fitness” because I’m kind of madly in love with Charlotte, I think Mark is pretty damn interesting and I am currently saving all of Melissa’s workouts for later (“later”) and being the winningest winner at Words With Friends that has been it. Wake up/work/fuck around on the computer/more work/be pissed/go to sleep.
So, basically, that’s fucking sick.
And something needs to change.
Here’s what I’m thinking at the moment:
So I’m rambling and it’s late and Tumblr deleted half of my post earlier so I’ve been trying to remember what I said before, but short version is:
Ta-da, I’m cured.
Dear Tumblr,
Why did you randomly reload and delete 90% of my long-ass post.
Sincerely,
Fuck You What the Fucking Fuck?
I haven’t exactly done a great job of getting back on the wagon so far. My nights have involved more wine than workouts, however, I have gotten some long walks in - 4.8 miles on Friday and 10.3 miles on Saturday. I have a new desk for my office and set up my exercise ball to use as a chair today, which I’m excited about. I remember when I first started using an exercise ball as a chair at my last job and how my obliques were sore for the first week. Definitely better than passive sitting plus the ball plus the desk height is forcing me to keep good posture (though my hands are a bit higher than I’d prefer… however, on a laptop, you’re either going to have a low screen or a high keyboard so at least this keeps my vision high.
I need to find my tape measure so I can update my measurements properly, but overall I’ve been feeling pretty OK. I need to not slip into the pattern of late night munchies and mid-day snacks, which I think was my downfall to begin with. But, for now, my pants seem to be fitting OK (even the tight ones are zippable, though tighter than I’d prefer still) and the scale has been coming in consistently under 130 (I think 127.8 has been the most common, though I’ve got some 126.7/8s and I think one 125.something… just got a flat 130 though but I ate a huge lunch and might be retaining a bit of water… good enough for now in any case.) I’ve got to say, I’m glad I got the scale. It is very motivating to see that number creep lower and while I want to pursue exercise for fitness purposes, it’s very interesting to confirm the adage that weight loss is mostly diet.
Anyway, hopefully more tonight but for now I need to get through more work. I have not had a productive day.
Also, I am expecting packages… actually, I just checked the tracking number and it said they delivered sooo hopefully one of my neighbors has it and will give it back? Hmph.
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Back on track tomorrow???
For what it’s worth, I’m not dead or completely flaked out… just been moving. And not getting enough sleep. It feels like it’s been much longer than 2 weeks, but I definitely have not done a single workout since I last posted.
Back on the rails soon.
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Tonight’s workout. Pa-chow! (Umm, that’s a whip snapping???) The crack the whip leaps made me realize I definitely would not be able to whip with my left hand.
Ass kickers kicked mine. I definitely needed to break up the butt burners by left and right (which it says to do and I missed… aaannd I only did one set. Huh. I need to read directions better.) and the torture table crunches too. I ended up doing micro Inception-sets of 5 of those within the 69 second period.
Followed with Yoga for Flexibility by Ms. Stiles.
My warmup was basically this/this and running back and forth (and backwards) in a 7’x5’ space.
Now going to get my booze on because I actually worked out first for once instead of toying with the idea of drunk workout after a couple glasses of wine.
Weekend Workout: The Dominatrix
Ready to get whipped?
This is a BRUTAL total body workout for beginners to advanced alike. You don’t need equipment, but advanced exercisers can add more of a challenge by adding dumbbells to the movements.
YOU NEED to push yourself through this workout! The Dominatrix requires nothing but your undying servitude. Imagine you have someone there cracking the whip as you move through it. It goes fast, but the more effort you put in, the more you’ll get out of it.
You’ll complete all 10 exercises (no breaks) for 69 seconds each (I know, I couldn’t help myself!). Rest 69 seconds & repeat the circuit twice.
Do your best and make modifications to YOUR level (I added modifiers to each of the descriptions below). Beginners who find it challenging can add a short 30 second breaks when needed. Advanced exercisers can add a third circuit or add weight to each of the exercises.
Time: 30 minutes including warm up.
Equipment: Chair, timer (or stop watch), a mat. Dumbbells are optional.
How To Do It
Warm Up: 5 minutes. Jog in place, squats, jacks, jump rope etc. Don’t stop moving for 5 minutes, then take a quick water break before starting.
Set your timer for 22 rounds of 69 seconds each. Hit ‘Start’ and complete all 10 exercises for 69 seconds each. Rest 69 seconds & repeat the circuit.
Cooldown: Walk in place for 2-3 minutes, then stretch.
Exercise Details & Modifications
Crack The Whip Leaps
(a.k.a. Sassy Skater Jumps).
From standing, get low in an athletic stance (knees bent). Pushing off your left leg, leap to the right landing on your right foot & crossing your left leg behind you (tap to the floor or stay balanced). As you land, bring your left arm in front and imagine you’re cracking a whip 10 feet in front of you. Repeat alternating sides.
The deeper and faster the movement, the harder it is. Go your own pace.
Modifiers: Beginners can step from side to side & reduce range of motion. Advanced can hold a medicine ball or dumbbell tight to the chest as they leap, or simply get lower/faster in the movement.
Ass Kickers
(a.k.a. Butt Kick Runs)
From a standing position, run in place, bringing your heels as close to your butt as possible. Squeeze the glutes & hamstrings as you hop from foot to foot.
Speed & intensity are key here. Pump your arms as you run for a bonus burn, and only go as fast as you can while maintaining proper form. Contract the abs to keep from swaying from side to side.
Modifiers: jog in place or high knee runs.
X-Rated Plank Pushups
(a.k.a. Pushup With Swivel)
Drop down into a plank or pushup position. Keeping your hands directly under your shoulders and core tight (get that butt DOWN), rotate your right knee to your left elbow (see pic). Twist through the core, and repeat on the other side (like drawing an ‘X’ with your knees). Return to plank and do 1 pushup. Repeat.
Modifier: come to your knees for the pushup, and reduce range of motion & speed. Advanced people: try the pushup on one leg, alternating sides.
Butt Burners
(a.k.a. Step-Ups with Reverse Leg Lift)
You’ll need a chair, bench or step for this one. Plant your right foot in the center of your chair and push through the heel to lift yourself up, drawing your opposite knee into your chest as you step. Step down, stay standing tall and lift your right leg out behind you. Without replacing your right foot to the ground, swing it through back to the step up. Repeat.
Note: the photos have you facing different directions, but I want you to face the chair as though you were stepping on it, and balance for the lift keeping your posture tall. You don’t need to lift high, just enough to feel the contraction. Keep your core tight so you don’t over-extend your lower back & tap down for balance (or use the chair) if you need to.
Modifiers: Beginners can just do the step up without the lift. Advanced? Add dumbbells.
Torture Table Crunches
(a.k.a Crab Crunch)
Sit with legs in front of you, knees bent, and feet hip-width apart on the floor. Place hands shoulder-width apart on floor behind you, with thumbs forward and fingertips at a slight diagonal. Lift your hips off the floor and extend right leg just barely off floor; bring left hand behind head.
Crunch forward, bringing right knee toward chest and rotating left elbow in to meet it; for more challenge, simultaneously bend right elbow to dip toward floor.Alternate sides for each rep, or do 30-ish seconds per side (since you’re doing the circuit twice, you can opt for once on the right, and once on the left).
Modifiers: Come to table top, and simply alternate bringing your knees to your chest. If that’s too difficult, beginners can also do bicycle crunches instead.
Assassin Lunges
(a.k.a. Lunge With Rotation)
From a standing position, lunge your right leg forward and lower your body down (weight in the heel of the lunging foot). Clasping your hands together (I recommend making a “finger” gun) & keeping your hips facing FORWARDS, rotate towards the right wall. Imagine you’re shooting someone directly to the right of you. Rotate back to center & push through the heel to return to standing. Repeat alternating sides.
Modifications: Use a dumbbell instead of a finger ‘gun’ for added intensity. Beginners can reduce range of motion (just do regular lunges) and reduce speed.
Squat Hold
(didn’t need a more painful name. It’s painful enough right?)
Feet wider than shoulder width apart, sink down into a squat. Keep your chest open, and push your butt to the back of the room. Weight should be in the heels of your feet, and thighs parallel to the floor (or past parallel if you’re advanced). Make sure your knees stay over the top of your toes but not beyond. Arms out in front of you for balance, or behind your head for a challenge. Hold it here.
Modification: you can do a wall sit instead, or take mini-breaks when you need to. If you get tired, try simple body weight squats until you can hold it again.
Advanced? Add pulses.
Kill it. Don’t let it kill YOU.
